-Exacto Knife (get spare blades)
-Minimum 8ft deep pool
-Ticket to Peru
-2 sets of Siamese twins (over the age of 18)
-Shady Lawyer (a damn good one)
-Mighty Putty (RIP Billy Mays)
- "A"Team Van (that shit has to be exact)
This requires the hand of a surgeon and the heart of Josef Mengele. Your first task is to get the van. DO NOT SKIMP! How else are you going to get around? Swing by Osco to get the Exacto knife and blades. NOT WALGREENS (they rust)! Track down two different sets of siamese twins. They should at least be over 18. Anything less is too easy and would amount to a 59th and 3/4's base, which is not balla enough. Siamese twins can be whatever sexual preference you desire.
They must be tricked into competing in a fictional show where Siamese twins do physical stunts for a cash prize "Monkey On My Back". You will place them in the van. YOU MUST do a minimum of 80 mph the entire time to the secure pool. You will then give the twins flippy-floppys and pool noodles and tell them they must duel to the death in the pool. Whichever two individual ghastly creatures cries out first and or expresses belligerence, those are immediately targeted.
Break out the Exacto knife and dive into the pool. YOU MUST disconnect the twins from each other with the blades within ten minutes. This is why you are going to be glad you have spares because the fuckers will fight and shit will break and fall to the bottom of the pool. The belligerent pieces MUST be mismatched and should drop to the bottom of the pool. Belligerent dying twin may try and scramble to surface, this is why you went for 8 feet, it won't get past 4. Sever the husk and leave the leg appendages for the surviving twin. At this point the Devil may appear. DO NOT PANIC. Shield thine eyes and he should return from whence he came. STAY ON TASK.
It is now a good idea to use some of the opiates. Force them onto the surviving pieces. Once sedated drag them from the pool and dry them with a Shamwow. Then throw the Shawow into the pool. Yes it soaks up everything. Now mighty putty the mismatched twins together. And mate with them. More opiates. Wrap abomination in Snuggie and place in crate. Put crate in van and ship crate to pre-specified location in Peru where lawyer will recieve crate and hook abomination up to life support. Turn self in to police.
YOU MUST make headline news for a minimum of three weeks. Do whatever you can to stay relevant and topical. Profane statements, bowel movements in court proceedings, whatever it takes. DO NOT DIE IN CUSTODY. If all was done correctly and you did not skimp on anything including the lawyer you WILL win your case. The world will want you dead. Flee to "A"Team van again doing 80mph and get directly to airport. Use passport and ticket to Peru.
Your crime of nature should be pregnant and ready to give birth by the time you arrive. Get camera and record birth. Name the foul mess Boo-Boo. Mail recording to every national news station and declare yourself "Overlord of Universe" and that your two headed, four-legged double backed breed, will soon take over the world and that you want the world's supply of Swedish Fish. It is a fact that Siamese twins survive off of Swedish Fish, it is like oxygen to them. YOU MUST breed over 100 of these within 5 years. At this point the world leaders will bow on one knee and beg you to stop. You will be whisked away to an antechamber of the United Nations where you will be presented a golden base that reads "LX" (which is 60 in Roman numerals). You will be given control of all information, currency, and plot the future of the human race until you die when your firstborn Boo-Boo (YOU MUST NAME IT BOO-BOO OR NONE OF THIS WILL WORK) will take over.
Difficulty level comparison- Completing Mario Kart Rainbow Road without falling while blind and deaf and being eaten alive by a lion.
-"Eh. I was bored."
-"What?! Come on that can't happen!!!"
-"Stay away from my family. Do not contact me again."