Defacon 6: Normal shitting procedures. You have no worry about public restrooms.
Defacon 5: Normal shitting procedures. You could probably shit if upon request, like a monkey. Should be able to surpass pooformance anxiety.
Defacon 4: Something's up. Somehow, someway, you know somethings going to go wrong today. It might be the big one, it might not. Either way, you're going to drop the kids off at the pool sometime in the next 24 hours.
Defacon 3: You can feel it moving in your gut. Rearrange plans accordingly. Max safe distance from toilet: 1 hour
Defacon 2: The shit is imminent. You should already have been on your way to the shitter. Max safe distance from toilet: 5 minutes.
Defacon 1: turtling prairie dogging sharting Max safe distance from toilet: NONE
Defacon 0: Crisis Averted, pass me some new pants.
Sure I can go to the movie, but I feel like I'm at defacon 3 so you might have to catch me up on some parts later.