A once pleasant market town, Dumfries is now colonised by weegies, rich Anglo settlers and Luftwaffe-trained seagulls. Every July the town stages an annual festival called 'Guid Nychburris' (Good Neighbours.) This, however, is merely an excuse for the town's dwellers to engage in the modern British pasttimes of excessive drinking, street violence and unplanned procreation. It is to be avoided at all costs.
The town's only saving graces are Queen of the South FC and the proximity of the beautiful Galloway countryside.
"No, Mr Kidd, my friends have informed me that in recent years it has become somewhat of a Netto Ghetto"