Me:"I can't wait for the American University girls to show up."
(Honestly, I wish I could claim that I was making this up.)
1.) Go to TDR and complain how much they hate it, yet continue to go there.
2.) Drunkenly order food from Cafe Romeo's, any chinese food (for some reason all the chinese food in DC tastes the same), or if it's a weekday go to the Eagles Nest (Which is always blaring the best music with its workers and customers dancing).
3.) Complain about how much they hate the library.
4.)Girls like to complain about how all the good guys are gay.
5.) Guys like to complain about how all the girls are ugly.
6.) Smoke shit loads of cigarettes in LA quad.
7.) Talk endlessly about shit that doesn't matter, while alienating people that have no interest in their conversation.
8.) Live in the berks, which is like the dorms, except the dorms are nicer.
"Why does AU campus security have segways now?"
"I dunno, but I mean they're already packing it on, what good is obese security?"
1. THANK YOU AU for making me walk by leaking pipe behind McKinley that shoots out mustard gas and makes my eyes burn
2. THANK YOU AU for newly installed awning that looks like Star Trek Enterprise loading dock
3. THANK YOU AU for investing in $12,000 police tricycles so public safety can get to Z-Burger more quickly
4. THANK YOU AU for letting worthless organizations disrupt lectures so they can tell class about how to save centipedes in Guatemala
5. THANK YOU AU for plastic partition between boys and girls bathroom so that I can hear girls talking about their sorority little's while having massive diarrhea
6. THANK YOU AU for such thick walls between dorm rooms that let me hear what gay neighbor has to say to his lover over phone
7. THANK YOU AU for giving former school president Ben Ladner a $3.75 million departure package even though he embezzled over a million dollars
8. THANK YOU AU for spending money on inflatable playgrounds during Spring that continue to only attract ugly girls and gay guys
9. THANK YOU AU for making school spirit consist solely of taking pride in TDR holiday meals
10. THANK YOU AU for tricking half of student body into thinking they can be president one day
"Yeah I think so, is it the school with a 1940's bomb shelter as their library?"
2. THANK YOU AU for closing health center on the weekends so I can cough blood in my room without treatment
3. THANK YOU AU for building gym as small as possible for 5000 undergrads
4. THANK YOU AU for taking Jamba Juice out and replacing it with Pure Vida, THAT REALLY MAKES FUCKING SENSE
5. THANK YOU AU for hiring prison inmates as full time employees
6. THANK YOU AU for lying to potential applicants during tours by saying that current AU students have rights and influence on school
7. THANK YOU AU for having any food vendor on campus open late at night
8. THANK YOU AU for signing 16 year contract with "bon appetite" to give us more moldy bread and 13 different types of potatoes per day
9. THANK YOU AU for blackboard which is the fucking worst system ever created and I AM SO PROUD that AU alumni created it
10. THANK YOU AU for still having school on major holidays like President's Day THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE CONSIDERING WE ARE IN D.C. AND EVERY OTHER SCHOOL IN DISTRICT HAS OFF
AU STUDENT "Hey AU, can I set up a lemonade stand outside MGC since its such a hot day?
AU ADMIN "Sorry kid, American University doesn't let students do anything unless you fill out these 35 forms and get the signatures of every government official in our administration. We'll probably get back to you in 5 months with our response. In the meantime, just go to TDR and drink some of our all natural watered down minute-maid lemonade."
Reasons not to even walk past the school:
1. there is no football. what kind of college doesnt have football?
2. a school that also is cutting half of the sports teams it hsa left.
3. only sports left are soccer and field hockey
4. the only good food is at mcdonalds
5. public safety will try and pull you over, nobody will stop
6. somehow rush hour lasts from 7am all the way til 1040PM when classes end.
7. AU is the former drug capital of NW DC.
8. They have gone in the last 10 years from a hot party scene to a drug/alcahol free war zone
9. In 2001 the government raided our private residences and stole all the drugs.
10. we all still do drugs
American university used to be awesome